The Age Old Story of Hansel and Gretal

Back in 2000-2008 under the reign of King George the II people all over the land fell on hard times and struggled to feed their families and pay their mortgagees. One poor rural family had two children named Hansel and Gretal. Their father worked for pacific lumber as a lumberjack, but had found scare jobs since the forests had been decimated without replanting by Pacific Lumber’s greedy owners. Their mother had left them years earlier to join the Peace Corps and in hopes of rebelling against the traditional feminine stereotype. Their father remarried a particularly selfish woman who grew up wealthy but had lost everything in the great economic crash of 2006. Every night the family ventured out to the nearest McDonalds to in search of cheap and affordable food. Although they only bought items from the 99 cent value menu they could scant afford to feed everyone. The step mother was particularly irritated as she had grown accustomed to enjoying finer things in life like mcflurrys and super sizing.
One night as her belly heaved and howled, she came up with a plan to abandon the children in the forest in order to have more resources for herself and her husband. The father protested but gave into the persistence of the greedy step mother. (Plus he had been aching to try a big mac and finally prove himself to be a real man). The father led the children out into the woods and gave them a 4 piece chicken nugget meal to share. He turned on a portable television set and instructed the children to watch until they fell asleep. He assured them he would return for them before the Late Late Show. After 12 hours of watching an America’s Next Top Model marathon the children fell asleep with the glow of the television still beating against the back of their eyelids. In the morning the women were still competing to show who could best treat their sacred bodies as a coat hanger while the others were systematically told they were not good enough objects. The children were frightened and alone and the television set brought them no solice.
Luckily, Hansel being somewhat of a non-environmentalist had left an unintentional trail of fast food garbage all the way back to their home. They followed this path and soon enough were back home. Outraged, the step mother protested and forced the father to abandon his children once again. This time he bought them each a small fry as their last meal. This time learning from her brother’s unintentional plan, Gretal deliberately dropped French fries along the path so she and her brother could find their way back. However, she did not realize that in recent year the forest animals had acquired a taste for human fast food and picked up the French fries almost immediately after they were dropped. Again, the children were scared and alone. They wandered around the forest for many hours and to their surprise they found a clearing where the deep forest had been cut down. In the distance they saw vast concrete and lights that illuminated the space as if it were day. They could barely make out the sign in the distance but squinted their eyes to read the most beautiful words they had ever read… “Wal-Mart: save more. live better” They ran to the great concrete building and were engulfed by hoards of people and the roar of car engines. They rode the wave created by a sea of people washing towards the automatic doors.
Once inside they could hardly believe their eyes- it was all the treasures they could need to live a comfortably materialistic life. They lounged on hammocks, ate cheetos, and played with a millions toys. For a while no one even noticed they were living in the Wal-mart since this particular store was open 24 hours a day. This was until a surprise visit by the owner of wal-mart international which is in fact the 12th largest economy in the world. The owner found the two small children grizzled and worn and mistook them for imported sweat shop labor. He ushered them to the back room where he locked them in tight quarters and worked them until they were exhausted. He proudly told them when they were fast and strong enough he would send them to headquarters with the other child workers. The children had to devise a plan. They called media groups in the area such as the green party and scale. These groups staged protests about the child labor happening right in the back of wal-mart. The children were eventually rescued and in turn became children’s rights activists working on issues ranging from health and nutrition, to foster care, to child abuse and neglect, to child labor practices. And they made the world a little happier ever after.